THE FACEBOOK EXPERIENCE

Friends, I panic. Usually, someone nearby tells me not to panic and then I calm down, but there is no one "nearby" on Facebook.

JESSIE THIS IS FACEBOOK! GET CONNECTED! STAY CONNECTED! JOIN NOW! ANYONE CAN JOIN!

Well, I don’t know, I’m not much of a joiner and I’m kind of, you know… quiet.

THIS IS FACEBOOK! EVERYONE BUT YOU IS ALREADY ON FACEBOOK! DON’T MISS OUT ON ANYTHING!

Really? Everyone? Because that seems like a lot.

HERE JESSIE! SIGN UP NOW! ENTER YOUR PROFILE SO EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU AND DON’T FORGET TO ADD A PICTURE THAT IS CASUAL BUT FLATTERING! IT SHOULD SHOW PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE COOL ENOUGH TO BE THEIR FRIEND SO MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT WEARING YOUR BATHROBE OR ANYTHING!

Here? Is this where I enter my information? Relationship status? But, everyone who knows me knows I’ve been married FOREVER. Hey, wait, how did you get me to do that so fast? Because now everyone can see me and everything about me. Did I just give you people my social security number?

WE ARE FACEBOOK! DON’T FORGET TO UPDATE YOUR STATUS AT EVERY POSSIBLE MOMENT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW??? QUICKLY!

Uh. Oh. Um, think of something interesting, no, funny, no, smart, no, cool, yes -that's it. Jessie is panicking, no, eating, yes, but no, biting her fingernails. No, wait, I can think of something! Um. Jessie is currently renovating her house, working on her Master’s degree and training for a half marathon! Oh. Yes. Soooooo much cooler!

GOOD JOB JESSIE! FACEBOOK APPROVES! BUT YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS. YOU HAVE NO ALERTS! YOU HAVE NO MESSAGES! YOU HAD BETTER FIND SOME FRIENDS. FRIENDS OF FRIENDS, EVEN, IF YOU HAVE TO. OTHERWISE WE MAY REVOKE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIVELEGES, AND THEN THINK OF WHAT A LOSER YOU’D BE!

Okay. Right. Friends. I know I had friends, but then I had kids and I haven’t left the house in 6 years. Oh wait a minute! Can my kids be my friends?

NOPE SORRY! FACEBOOK IS FOR GROWN UP FRIENDS! THINK! THINK HARD! YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME! WHAT’S A MATTER JESSIE? YOU SEEM A LITTLE OVERWHELMED. FACEBOOK IS NOT FOR THE OVERWHELMED.

No, No! Please. Let me think. Okay, Leigh will be my friend, because she HAS to be my friend or I will tell our mother on her. Leigh can be my friend! How’s that?

WELL, WE AT FACEBOOK WOULD RATHER YOU WERE NETWORKING A LITTLE MORE EXTENSIVELY. BUT ITS WORTH A TRY. YOU MAY SEND LEIGH A FRIEND REQUEST, AND SEE IF SHE ACCEPTS OR IGNORES YOU.

What!? She can ignore me if she wants? Well, she better not.

OKAY, JESSIE. WHO ELSE? ONE FRIEND IS NOT UP TO FACEBOOK STANDARDS, AFTER ALL. HOW ABOUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL? WHY DON’T YOU SPEND SEVERAL HOURS COMBING THROUGH ALL THE NAMES OF PEOPLE YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH?

High school? High school!? No, I really didn’t have a good high school experience. I doubt anyone would remember me anyway. Oh! Anyone except Catherine! She might be my friend too! Hey, Facebook, how do I find Catherine Corrine Childs Capolupo?

BUT, JESSIE, YOU ALREADY KNOW CATHERINE. YOU TALK TO HER EVERY OTHER DAY. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF NETWORKING?? REALLY, DIG A LITTLE DEEPER. WE ARE FACEBOOK. WE ARE BUSY. WE CAN’T BE HOLDING YOUR HAND EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.

Well, I have to start somewhere. And Catherine has a real life and a job and knows LOTS of people. She might make some of her people be my friends, if I ask her.

HEY, THERE YOU GO JESSIE! NOW YOU’RE GETTING INTO THE FACEBOOK EXPERIENCE! BUT, WE HAVE ANOTHER PROBLEM, JESSIE. NO ONE HAS POKED YOU. NO ONE HAS SUPERPOKED YOU. HAS ANYONE EVEN THROWN A SHEEP AT YOU YET?

Well, no. I don’t think so. But I’ve only been on Facebook for like, 15 minutes. Doesn’t that take a little time? Hey, wait. Did you just say “throw a sheep” at me? This is a good thing?

YOU HAD BETTER GET IN THERE AND SUPERPOKE SOME PEOPLE, JESSIE. NOW.

Okay. Okay.

WE’LL BE BACK TO CHECK YOUR PROGESS. REMEMBER WE AT FACEBOOK EXPECT YOU TO HAVE MANY, MANY FRIENDS, WHEN NEXT WE CHECK ON YOU.

I’m on it Facebook! No Worries.

Jessie Davis and Sarah Finlayson are now friends.

Jessie Davis has just popped the “enter” key off her keyboard, trying to ROCK THE GRANNY PANTY with Sarah Finlayson.

Jessie Davis and Christopher Davis are now friends.

Jessie Davis is flailing wildly at her laptop, trying to get Christopher Davis to write back on her wall and let her know if he’s coming home for dinner.

Kathleen Stillson and Karl Coleman have accepted Jessie’s friend request! Happy day!

Jessie Davis poked Kathy Stillson.

Jessie Davis poked Karl Coleman.

Karl Coleman and Kathleen Stillson are now friends.

Karl Coleman superpoked Kathy Stillson.

Kathy Stillson poked Karl back.

Kathy Stillson and Karl Coleman are now better friends than you or Karl or you and Kathy could ever hope to be.

Jessie Davis has just thrown Good Karma at herself by mistake.

Catherine Childs took pity on Jessie and threw her a Zamboni. Click here to see it or send something back.

Jessie Davis got so excited to get a Zamboni that she took forever trying to pick out something to send back. When she finally picked something, Catherine had logged off out of boredom.

Jessie Davis’ brain hemorrhaged. Causing her to fall forward and turn her laptop off, thereby logging her out of Facebook.

No one noticed.