Monday, January 26, 2009

"I cannot wear these, or I will die." Sam wiggles out of a pair of cargo pants in the Old Navy dressing room and tosses them into the pile of 3,042 other pairs that could potentially kill him, if I made him wear them to school.

"Sure you can! These are totally awesome pants, they have big roomy pockets for all your Star Wars guys and everything." I argue as cheerfully as I can. I try to be really, really excited about these pants.

"They have a button. I don't want buttons." Sam looks over at the pile of pants and nonchalantly scratches his knee. "I don't want different pants, I like my own pants."

"Buddy, you are three inches taller than you were when we bought your old pants. You have to have new pants. These pants are really cool. They have big pockets and besides, the button isn't real, its only a decoration!" I point to button as if it is a fabulous prize on the Price is Right. "These pants come with decorative buttons and that is SO AWESOME! Plus, these are the EXACT SAME pants that Peter Parker wore in Spider Man 2!" Sometime in the last twenty minutes, I crossed over to Completely Loony.

Sam looks at me and his right eyebrow raises. I know, that he knows, that I know, that Toby Maguire did not ever don a pair of elastic waist toughskins with cargo pockets in any one of the Spider Man movies. We stand staring at each other, in the Old Navy dressing room, knee deep in denim. Suddenly, Sam's hand twitches and I clumsily lunge toward him with a pair of size 7 jeans.

I attempt to corner him, but the game is on, and he is lightening quick. I see the white blur of his Fruit-of-the-Looms as he streaks under the door and through the store. I stumble out of the dressing room and follow the screams.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DO NOT WANT THOSE PANTS! I DON'T WANT THEM! IF YOU MAKE ME WEAR THEM I WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!" Sam howls and slides by in his socks. Everyone in the store is now frozen and staring in horror at the six-year-old racing around in his tighty-whities, and screaming about how his mother is trying to kill him with pants. The sales associates, bless them, are completely lost. They have no idea if they should be helping me, or Sam. On the one hand, he is running amuck in their store, but on the other hand, what if I really am some horrendous monster who tried to kill him with pants in the dressing room? They are still weighing their options when I find Sam lurking in a rack of clearance men's pajamas. He refuses to come out, until I bring him his old pants.

"Buddy, I can't do that. You have to have new pants. Your old pants are too small for you. We are here for new pants, you have to pick some new pants." I sit down outside the clearance rack, as I have no hope of maintaining any dignity anyway. "Samuel Cody Davis. You come out. You come out of there right now. I mean it. We don't do this, we do not run around the store in our underpants! The manager is going to have us arrested. We can't get arrested yet, Daddy isn't even finished with law school!"

"You're yelling at me!" Sam points out, helpfully. He takes a shaky breath and says "And you are being strict about pants."

"Both of those things are true." I admit. "I am yelling at you and I am insisting that you wear pants, buddy." I sigh and look around. The store looks huge from down here, and suddenly I feel what it must be like to be Sam sometimes. I feel very small with thousands and thousands of Old Navy pants looming over my head.

"The thing is kid, I have to make sure you have pants. If you don't have pants to wear then I won't be a good mama. Because part of being a good mama is making sure that you and your sister are dressed everyday. I know you are mad at me, but I can't let you win this one. Pants are a must-have item. Come on out and we'll figure it out together, okay?"

Sam peers out at me from the clothes rack. "No buttons." he says.

"No buttons." I agree.

He crawls out of the clothes rack and pats me on the head, we hold hands as I stand up, and we walk back to the dressing room. "Mom, I don't even like Spiderman anymore. I like Star Wars. Can we look for Star Wars pants?"



Meg said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I just laughed out loud, alone in my kitchen at 10:17 pm. I love you guys!! Thanks so much for the much needed comedic relief. My hugs to you all!

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. 17 pairs of pants later from 7 stores we have finally found pants for Benjamin. May I also add that I had to bribe him to try on each pair. So I'm now out $23 for bribes and $25 for one pair of pants that actually fit - from lands end. No buttons, blue with cargo pockets. Perfect!